Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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