Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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