Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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