did you get engaged???
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
