Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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