I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
