I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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