So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Drunk is not a location!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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