ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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