I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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