Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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