I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
