I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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