Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
