Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
