I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
