He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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