I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
