My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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