You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize