So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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