I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
