Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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