your thong is hanging out like whoa
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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