A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
