Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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