There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I want her autograph on my taint
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize