omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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