LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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