i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
