i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
