I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
