I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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