dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
