yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
