Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
