i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize