Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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