I want to make a zoo with you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
