Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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