You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm bleeding and have questions
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
