i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
