Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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