Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Randomize
