I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drunk walkin through police station. America
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
