I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
