somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
