my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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