I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
