I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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