i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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