Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
