I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
