i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
