so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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