Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize