I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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