Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just wanna soil my oats bro
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
