So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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