have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
