U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
