Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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