Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize