she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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