I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and she was petting her beer can
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
