Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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